Culture / January 3, 2020

Simps Are Slaves

Imagine a man hunching over a laptop computer. His greasy, acne ridden face illuminated only by the glow of his monitor or mobile device. “I never thought of it like that before, queen. You’ve got both brains and beauty!” The man arches forward. A bead of sweat rolls down his face in anticipation. After what feels like an eternity of refreshing his notifications on Twitter, he finally sees it: “@eholecatholic has liked your reply.

He leans back in his chair with a satisfied look on his face. His emaciated visage strains to force his thin lips to smile- His queen has given him his reward. But something is not right. What’s this??? “@Rippedgroyper777 replies “STFU you bitch.

His day is ruined. Someone has besmirched the name of his pure queen with no recourse. This is typically how a simp’s day plays itself out.

What’s a Simp?

Urban dictionary defines it as a “Sucka Idolizing Mediocre Pussy”

Simping is beyond just a coomer’s horny replies; the desperation, persistence and lack of self-respect is the difference. Simps are among the lowest creatures to ever crawl upon the face of the Earth. They gas up a woman’s ego with hopes that they will earn a mere crumb of pussy. Simps used to be harmless, albeit pathetic, and before the internet, I’d imagine that the simp-to-thot ratio was rather small. Perhaps you’d have 3 or 4 simps lusting over the town whore.

However, with the advent of social media, there is now an over-abundance of e-girls who think their opinion matters because they consistently have 20-100 simps in their replies on Twitter, telling them how brilliant their milquetoast and retarded take is. In the most extreme cases, there can be potentially thousands of simps per one e-girl. Make no mistake- Figures like Kathy Zhu, Brittany Venti, and yes, Mindy Robinson, all exist because men are simping for them online.

The slaves and their master.

There are many different subspecies of simps. Some simps are divorced Baby Boomers who fantasize about having a young Southeast-Asian wife to leave his inheritance to instead of his kids (you can easily find these in Kathy Zhu’s replies).

Some simps are wignats who dream of that perfect Aryan queen to frolic naked through the wheatfields with (see @nature_and_race). Some simps are simply black dudes who fetishize white women with big asses (@ethicalchad is a prime example of this).

Simp adds a witty comment to Zhu’s flaming hot take.

The Takeaway

No matter how many sub-species of simp there are, they have one thing in common: They find their identity NOT in their nation, religion, or family; but in the women they simp for. Like how a patriot finds identity and meaning in the love of his country, a simp finds similar meaning in their pathetic quest for e-girl pussy (which they will never get).

This is precisely why simps are so injured when their favorite e-girl is attacked- You’re not just attacking some whore on the internet, you’re attacking everyone who submits to her. Simps are truly hurt to see their e-girl attacked because they realize, if only for a split second, that the accusations against her are valid. And that makes him the biggest loser of all. Instead of renouncing their simpdom and coming to the side of the righteous, the simp usually doubles down.

Simps are just slaves who refuse to leave the plantation. They refer to those who dare to question their masters as Incels, virgins, losers, etc. Remember that the term “Incel” roughly translates to “get your ass back on the pussy plantation”.

A simp will attack his fellow men for his master’s favor.

Thankfully, a hero has emerged within right wing twitter.

@Simptakes has taken up the cause of naming and shaming these Uncle Toms, imposing well-deserved social consequences for being in a ho’s replies. Simps will have to think twice about desperately replying on their favorite e-girl’s selfie, lest they risk the humiliation of being exposed by this righteous hero.

God bless you, @Simptakes

Never simp and always remember: She won’t fuck you, bro.

-The Angry Inch, @angryinch0