Culture / May 21, 2020

Should We Allow Midgets to Be Police Officers?

Midgets (also known as tiny little dwarf people) have been a part of our society since the fall of Lucifer. Historically, their career trajectories involve being actors, professional wrestlers, and sideshow attractions. In our egalitarian society everyone should be allowed to do anything, so why shouldn’t tiny little dwarf people be hired as police officers?

Let’s start with addressing the possible arguments against this. One might say “Look at their tiny little legs! How are they supposed to catch a fleeing criminal? How are they supposed to jump a fence?” Well, they’ve got guns. They can just shoot the guy in the back, easy. As for fences, a regular cop can just throw them over the fence/at the criminal Fastball Special style. Also, their tiny frame means they can fit into spaces most cops can’t. Say a teenager wanted for shoplifting has hidden in a crawl space. Just send Officer Mini-Me in to find them!

midget stripper cop – Halloween of 2012
Why would you run from this in the first place? It’s so cute.

Another argument might go like this; “How are they supposed to reach the gas pedals on their patrol cars?” Have you ever heard of stilts? Plus, they can use the stilts to get cats out of trees, saving the fire department some time. While we’re on the subject of patrol cars, you can fit a lot of midgets in one car so you wouldn’t have to have as many cars on the road. Imagine a squad car rolls up to a crime scene and 7 officers pile out. That could really send a message of authority.

One benefit of having tiny policemen is that in a firefight they are very small targets, making them harder to hit. They can take cover behind just about anything; the curb of a sidewalk, milk cartons, a cat. Midget officers would also be very good at undercover work. Think about it, who would expect a dwarf to secretly be a policeman? They could infiltrate just about any criminal organization. Plus they’re funny so anyone would be glad to have one around.

Im happy have a midget with a gun - Album on Imgur
I would NOT want to get in a firefight with this. I’d feel bad about shooting it.

Let’s talk about how hiring tiny little dwarf people can save the tax payer money. First of all, you can give them a kid size uniform. Less material = less expensive. In that same vein you can give them smaller guns, since their little hands probably can’t operate a regulation firearm either way. Midgets have a lower life expectancy than normal people, so their pensions wouldn’t have to be paid out as long.

In conclusion, I see no reason why midgets should not be allowed to be police officers. We at The Daily Groyper love our cops (our law enforcement), especially the tiny ones!